Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Foot-in-Mouth Disease Strikes Atlanta

Patient resists recommended treatment

A Decatur man showed symptoms of the common but deadly foot-in-mouth disease at an Atlanta apartment yesterday, prompting officials to quarantine him from all those who might be offended by his indiscriminate comments.

The first signs of the disease showed up when Trevor Williams, 22, made jokes about an undisclosed segment of the Atlanta citizenry, sparking resentment from a man he had just met who had many friends belonging to the group under verbal attack.

Williams, a news reporter, should be well aware of the effects of insensitive comments, but he still let them slip. According to sources at the scene, the words were relatively mild, but their venom was in the ignorance with which they were uttered.

When asked about his alleged illness and how he would try to fight the disease, Williams only offered a cynical and evasive reply.

“Well, at least I didn’t say anything really bad,” he said, appealing to the same comparison argument that many Christians have used to defend shoddy actions, a treatment plan which spiritual doctors have said only drives the foot farther down toward the trachea.

In reality, Williams had stooped to a low level by failing to heed of a biblical word of wisdom he had so readily recited during his college years and even back in high school.

In his dorm room and with his group of Bible study partners, Williams said this New Testament verse used to give him some sort of immunity to the virus, which infects 100 percent of human beings at some point in their adult lives.

“We recited Ephesians 4:29, which says ‘Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building up those in need, so that it may benefit all who listen,’” Williams said, grunting words in between the toes that remain lodged near his tonsils.

That verse has not fallen from his mind, he said, but it had been largely out of use in his daily life, which hindered his immune system and left him susceptible to the virus.

When considering what type of treatment to pursue, Williams has been torn. He said he thought about apologizing to the offended party, thinking that a simple ‘I’m sorry’ might put the comments to rest and allow him to stop tasting toe jam.

But after thinking further, he decided a trite apology might just add insult to injury.

Doctors have prescribed treatment, but they say that Williams’ heart is “wicked beyond measure,” and he won’t take medication regularly.

“We’ve told Trevor that if he confesses his sins, God is faithful and just to forgive him and cleanse him from all unrighteousness” and disease, said First John, the physician presiding over the Williams case. “Whether he heals is a matter of whether he will subject himself to the Master Physician’s recommended treatment regimen.”

When this article went to press, Williams was just beginning to squeak out the words, “I confess.”

1 comment:

Joseph Davis said...

Last fall, a much more severe case of foot in mouth syndrome was diagnosed at the Baptist Student Union in Athens, Georgia. The infected patient, Joseph Davis, was not a usual guest at the weekly gathering but decided to attend due to an acquaintance that,ironically, had been invited to speak to the crowd of related medical phenomena.

Near the middle of the lecture, the speaker himself referred to Joseph by first name as an example of one who had prayed in "a discerning way" for a friend of his, a compliment that Joseph greatly appreciated.

The patient himself should have recognized the affects of the said disease when, to his grave dissapointment, he realized that the guest speaker had failed to mention his last name. After the speech, Joseph decided to explain to a large group of people, that he himself was actually the object of the compliment. A comment that was met by resounding silence and a sleepless night for the patient.

Doctors concur that a patient is most susceptible to the syndrome when they ignore their precribed medication, believing that a self prescribed treatment of pride and shallow spirituality will suffice.